Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
