So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
