I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
