I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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