remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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