i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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