barbara walters just said penis...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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