Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
