p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
