Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
