So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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