Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
