why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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