she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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