why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
