I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
