took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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