Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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