Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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