well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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