At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
