I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
pray to the hookup gods
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