did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
