I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
