my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
