These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
