i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
