my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The struggles of a small town man whore
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
