Do you still have your period?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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