I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
