hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
where does the pee come out of this thing
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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