The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
