im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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