And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize