I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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