I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize