4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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