I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
