saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize