life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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