he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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