Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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