I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
