she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
