Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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