I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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