I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
