I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize