Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
