So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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