Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
