i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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