Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
