Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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