You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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