he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
