My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
