So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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