Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
