He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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