Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
